so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
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There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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