Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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