if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
