i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
