I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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