I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
