seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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