I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
