im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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