youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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