Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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