Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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