Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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