I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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