It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wish there were birth control emojis
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
This toilet bowl is my home.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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