Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
