We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
