i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
