If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
