Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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