based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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