i permit you to call me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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