Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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