My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
