the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
