Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
