Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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