3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
