If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
