I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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