You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
