ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
