the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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