I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish i was in the wii world.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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