I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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