you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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