Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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