i just had sex bonerless
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
