you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
