Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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