Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
