i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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