i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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