your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
