he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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