i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
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the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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