My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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