Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
