You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
