Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
