You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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