I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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