Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
