she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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