I looked at my own cervix.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
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Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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