guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
