Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
