I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
