Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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