the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
